(dis)respect

On our recent marriage getaway, my husband and I talked a lot about family: kids, goals, dreams, what works and what doesn’t. Our kids actually like each other (usually), and they enjoy spending time with us old people once in a while. Not bad. Then there are those days…

We dubbed them the “Cycle of Disrespect," a chronic cycle of bad attitudes and behavior that pushes others to exhibit bad attitudes and behaviors. It's hallmark symptoms include griping, complaining, and yelling. It often leads to household chaos -- everything is a mess. Here's an example pulled from real life. Perhaps you can relate? (To protect our sources, names have been changed)

• Joe’s job is to clean the kitchen each night after dinner.
• Dave knows he doesn’t have to clean the kitchen, so after dinner he takes his dishes to the kitchen and sets them down someplace convenient. Or he leaves them at the table and just walks away.
• Joe gets mad.
• Dave’s job is to clean the bathroom.
• Joe knows he doesn’t have to clean the bathroom, so after brushing his teeth, he doesn’t bother to rinse out the sink. (YUCK!)
• Dave gets mad.

The cycle of disrespect leaves everyone angry with everyone else. We don't enjoy each other or our time together. The cycle of disrespect leads to Saturdays filled with cleaning, Rob and I barking orders like drill sergeants. So much for fun-filled family days.

Imagine living a different way, which we dubbed (oh so creatively) the “Cycle of Respect.” When we act respectfully, each of us realizes that our actions affect everyone else in the family. We think about what we're doing and how it impacts everyone else. We are considerate with our words and our actions. What if each day looked like this?

• Joe’s job is to clean the kitchen each night after dinner.
• Dave takes his dishes to the kitchen, rinses them and places them in the dishwasher.
• Joe cleans the counters and wipes the table, satisfied with his efforts.
• Dave’s job is to clean the bathroom.
• Joe brushes his teeth before bed, rinses the sink and hangs the towel on the bar.
• Dave wipes down the sink and faucet, satisfied with his efforts.

The cycle of respect helps everyone feel just a little more loved and appreciated. Living this way leads to having a relatively organized house, and chores go more quickly. Saturday actually becomes family-fun day like it's supposed to be. We have time to golf, hike, kayak, and play ultimate frisbee games. The overall stress level is lower, and we enjoy our time together. Kindness breeds kindness.

This is -- and has always been -- our family’s battle. The respect just doesn’t come naturally. I admit, I’m part of the problem. I tend to see my “work” as more important than putting my own dishes in the dishwasher. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked my kids to stop whatever they’re doing to take care of something for me. Selfish, eh? Why would my kids ever put someone else first if I'm unwilling to?

Rob and I realized three things we need to change or improve:

1. We need to model the respect we expect. If we don’t respect our kids, why would they ever respect each other? Or us?
2. We need to fill our minds with thoughts of respect. To make that happen, we’re studying verses on respect and honor after dinner each night. Everyone’s working together to memorize those verses, even us old people.
3. We need to catch the kids making good choices instead of harping on their bad decisions. It’s reflexive to remind, cajole, or correct wrong behavior. It’s more effective to encourage, recognize and reward good attitudes and behavior.

When one of the kids acts selfishly, breaking the cycle of respect, we now ask, “Did that show your brother that you respect him?” Or, “What could you have done differently to show respect in that situation?” 

I’d love to say our family has been transformed by one week of living by the “cycle of respect.” But, that would be a big, fat, ugly lie! Tuesday was the day to end all horrible days. A very bad day. When Rob got home from work he took my face in his hands, looked deep into my eyes and asked, “You didn’t expect Satan to make this easy, did you?” He’s right, of course. We have to fight for the best or we won’t get it. Satan sure doesn't want my family to live by "the golden rule." He wants us to tear each other down, weakening the family structure one selfish attitude at a time.

Our kids are on board with the new viewpoint. They are willing to fight for respect -- we will “do to others as we want them to do to us.” (Luke 6:31) It may take years of practice, but we’ll get there, growing together along the way.