Parenting: My spiritual role

He must increase, but I must decrease.

John 3:30

With kids at two ends of growing up -- our son graduates high school next year and our daughter is just finishing kindergarten -- my parenting role in my kids' spiritual development may be most challenging. 

With Ellie, it's still pretty easy. She makes a bad decision, and we discipline. Then we discuss her choice, helping her understand that she made the bad choice -- and leading her through figuring out the wise choice. When she makes a wise decision, we praise it and try always to tell her the spiritual why for our pride. She beams when she's praised, glad that she earned our approval. And that's where she is.

She knows the "Sunday school" answers. Jesus died sinless on the cross, went to heaven and returned, all for us. She knows that she should love Jesus with all her heart. She doesn't quite "get it," but she's on her way.

Nathan has known the "Sunday school" answers for a very long time. He accepted Jesus into his heart years ago and was baptized. As a young boy, we disciplined him much the same way we discipline Ellie today. But now... that method doesn't work. When we discipline to correct behavior, we breed resentment (We're not perfect parents and sometimes forget how old he is). Thankfully, we usually realize our error, ask forgiveness for our reaction and move on. He accepts.

Yes, you read that right. When he messes up and we discipline for behavior change, we do apologize (he might even say we need to do that more). 

Why?

High schoolers need more than behavior modificiation! They need heart transformation. It does us no good to punish him and treat him like a five year old. More importantly, it does him no good to be treated like a five year old. It's not about behavior anymore, it's about the heart behind the behavior. It's about making Jesus more and helping him become less -- it's not about him. It's about impacting the world for Jesus. That means when we discipline, it's all about Jesus -- how does the decision affect his relationship with Jesus? How does it affect how others see Jesus in him or through him? That also means when we discipline, it's not about what we want, but helping him make decisions based on what Jesus wants. These conversations aren't always easy or quick. But they are essential.

When we discipline our older one, we usually end up having a discussion based in scripture. (We use scripture with Ellie, too, but more just to back up why we're disciplining her. Teaching her why she made the bad choice. Read on... hopefully I'll make sense.)

He gets home after curfew. Time for a discussion on respect and honor. First, we look at scripture (Proverbs is quite appropriate). Then, time for application:

1. If you struggle to respect and honor our boundaries, what happens when your professor sets a deadline for an assignment in college and you blow that off? What happens when you show up late for work?

2. How does disrespecting our boundaries affect your relationship with God? 

3. How does disrespecting our boundaries affect your witness to your friends? Are you pointing them to Jesus when you dishonor us?

He doesn't do his chores, inconveniencing the rest of the family. First, we look at scripture like "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as if serving the Lord and not for man." (Colossians 3:23) Then, we apply:

1. When you don't do your chores, how does that affect the family? (Yes, that question works for little kids too.) What does it show your brother and sister, who look up to you, about valuing family?

2. How does this laziness affect your relationship with God?

3. How does this laziness affect your witness to your brother and sister? Or your friends? 

Nathan is an amazing young man! He serves in our church every weekend, teaching fifth and sixth graders about Jesus. He often plays keyboard or bass guitar in our worship band. He's a dynamic speaker and a gifted pianist. He's quick to say yes when Ellie asks him to play "Pretty, Pretty Princess." When his schedule is hectic (often... he is a high schooler after all), he often pauses in his schedule to shoot hoops with his younger brother rather than hide in his room and text friends. He's a great young man.

My prayer for the next year is that we "finish" this intense parenting time strong. My prayer is that we are "train[ing him] in the way he should go, [so that] when he is old he will not turn from it." (Proverbs 22:6), but rather that others will know Jesus by what they see in him. He leaves for college soon. My prayer, simply, is that he will go into the world equipped to change it and make a difference for Jesus.

Note to self

One should never post about watching her mouth, unless she's really ready for the tests and temptations. Today, I actually wished I could trade my kids in for dogs! And I am not a dog person -- except for Miss Daisy, that is.

Seriously, I love my kids. I really do. I do not love my mouth.

Good thing tomorrow's a brand new day!

Good night!

Watch your mouth

Fellow moms,
How often do we tell our kids to watch your mouth? I hope I'm not the only one! My kids forget to say please and thank you. They use slang that we find disagreeable. They get comfortable with words that aren't quite cussing, but sure aren't polite. And I'm right there, the mouth police.

• "Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said." (draped in heavy sarcasm)
• "Would you like to rephrase that?" (slightly less sarcasm)
• "Shut up!!!" (yes, I say it... usually in a very angry tone)
• "Shutteth uppeth!" (in a less angry tone)
• "Are you done?" (sarcasm drips from each word)
• "Really? Go. to. your. room." (controlled anger)
• "Say it again, and I'll get the soap." (ineffective... why do I bother?)

Please tell me I'm not the only one!

Raising kids is tough work. Some days I just don't have the energy to be the "good mom," who calmly and rationally works through misdeeds with my kids. I just react. Quickly. Sarcastically. Angrily.

When I slack off and react (see above), I really do my kids and myself an injustice. Why should they watch their mouths if I'm not watching mine? Sarcasm might help me feel better momentarily, but it sure isn't going to inspire my kids to respect me. I might feel angry, but anger inspires an angry response, not remorse or a changed heart.

When my kids' words get to me -- as they often do -- I'm just as responsible to watch my mouth. OUCH! "Because I'm the mom" doesn't really work -- it's not a valid excuse. My kids know it. To inspire my kids to pure speech, I must model it myself.

It's not easy, but it's the right thing to do.

Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,

sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.

Proverbs 16:24

My prayer today is that I will speak pleasantly, so my kids want to hear and receive my instruction. With God's help, I know I can!

Love,

Check out the new design

Hey everyone,
Check out the new blog design and let me know what you think! Some material is still "under construction," but I couldn't wait to share my beautiful blog with you.

Thank you, Liz Barber of Sweet Simplicity Designs. I LOVE IT!!!! If you're considering a blog redesign, Liz is offering a May special, but the sale does end tonight.

By the way, in honor of the new design, I'll be doing a giveaway in the next couple weeks. My very first!!! Please follow the blog so you don't miss out on the opportunity!

Lots of love,

Worms

photo © 2006 pfly | more info (via: Wylio)
Yep, worms.

Yesterday, Ben and I cleaned our flower beds and mulched some of them. I got the fun job of edging the beds so the mulch won't spill out so much. Just about every shovel-full uncovered an earthworm and I was thrilled!

If you're thinking "yuck" right about now (or... "This chick's crazy if she gets excited by worms!") please keep reading. There's beauty hidden in this post!

The first seven years we lived here, the earthworms wouldn't join us. Mostly, we had slugs. Lots of ugly, mean slugs. My son once commented that "slugs are like satan, because they eat at your roots and kill you." Slugs feast on plant roots and kill them, destroying gardens.

Yesterday, those worms showed me that our once dying garden has come back to life! YAY!

What changed?
1. We replaced the clay that once dominated our yard with a healthy layer of topsoil, dirt full of nutrients to encourage strong plant growth.
2. We fertilized the yard according to the recommended schedule, not just now and then when the thought crossed our minds.
3. We invested in mulch, to insulate the new plants. As that mulch has broken down, it's improved the quality of the dirt.
4. We cut away dead or over-crowded branches, so our plants and bushes aren't weighed down.

The worms remind me of a healthy Christian life. The healthy Christian:
1. Replaces sinful, worldly desires with faith in Christ.
2. Fertilizes the heart regularly: reading scripture and allowing it to seep in, praying, and worshipping.
3. Invests in relationships and activities that encourage growth and insulate us from the harshness of the world: serving on a ministry team, participating in small groups, worshipping and fellowshipping with other believers. These relationships help us keep our focus on that healthy relationship with God.
4. Cuts out the bad stuff: selfishness, pride, and time stealers that keep us from becoming all God wants us to be.

Faithful work in the garden has its reward: beautiful plants and flowers. Faithfully living the Christian life has its reward too: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23).

photo © 2006 Clayton Sieg | more info (via: Wylio)

Rejoicing in His love today!
Love,
Karen

You know it's a good day when...

You know it's a good day when:

• You get quiet time with God before the kids wake up -- while it's still actually quiet!
• You survive rush hour traffic, especially when not used to it!
• You get a compliment on your well-behaved children before 10 a.m.
• The dog actually comes the first time she's called.
• Everyone gets everywhere they have to go on time, even though schedules overlap.
• You get to hug the neck of a dear friend you haven't seen in ages!!!

It's been a great day. Counting my blessings as I drift off to sleep tonight!

We interrupt this blog...

Hey guys,
Just thought I'd let y'all know I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I have not run out of things to say. I'm on deadline with a home improvement project... and on two writing projects.

Thank you for your concern. I hope there's a bright, sunny, spring day waiting for you! :)

Love,
Karen

Happy Cinco de Mayo

This Cinco de Mayo, celebrate!

Our neighbors to the south are colorful and spirited.

The nation is also in turmoil.

Would you take a moment to pray for Mexico before dinner tonight? 

Ellie celebrating in Puerto Vallarta. 

The youngest person at the party gets first swipe at the pinata!

Traditional Mexican dance. 

Beautiful!

Ellie and me.

Beautiful Mazatlan.

Prayer, Accountability, Answers

Ben at Raven Rock Park earlier this spring

Home schoolers in North Carolina are required to take a standardized end-of-year test to monitor academic achievement. Usually, Ben gets anxious about this test. Most years when the scores come back, he cries in frustration. Not that we push him for certain scores. Never. Rather, we would do everything we could to minimize the significance of the tests.

But, he knew. He knew the reading would be hard. He knew he'd run out of time before completing a section. He knew his spelling and language scores would be nowhere close to his real grade. Spelling is always the worst. Last year, in seventh grade, his spelling scores were about the same as a first grader's. Yep. That's demoralizing. Especially for a kid whose math, science, history and geography scores are always above grade-level.

This year, we worked a little more intentionally on spelling. Still, it wasn't the focus of his education. If we wait for spelling to catch up, his progress in other areas would certainly suffer.

Testing day came, and for the first time, he was relaxed. No stress. No worry.  And this past Friday, the scores arrived in the mail. With great anticipation, we tore open the envelope. I unfolded the score sheet and looked for the one score that always frustrates him.

And there it was: FIFTH GRADE!!! He scored in the 20th percentile of his grade level peers. A huge jump! You'd think he'd won a gold medal in the olympics. High fives. Woops and hollers. A fist pump in the air. And a smile. A wide, radiant, sparkling smile. Ben conquered his nemesis (not that he can spell nemesis... yet).

What changed? In part, Ben is growing up and gaining confidence. He's reading more fluently. But...

The biggest change was prayer. This whole year, the women in my connect group (what we call our Bible study groups at our church) prayed. They prayed faithfully, week after week, month after month, for Ben. For his understanding to increase. For the "wires" in his brain to connect. For the intelligence we know is in there to finally show on the outside. They prayed for confidence, excitement for learning, and self-acceptance. They prayed for me, to teach wisely -- the way God needed me to. They prayed for his testing. And on testing day. They prayed. With us and for us.

We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, 

help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays evil for evil, 

but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people. 

Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; 

for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:14-18

God answered. He helped me become the home schooling mom Ben needed. And He helped Ben grow in confidence and understanding. Thank you, dear ladies, for blessing us with your faithful prayers, living out 1 Thessalonians. Thank you, God, for answering our prayers.

Memorial Box Monday: Remember. Rejoice.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary,

you have been grieved by various trials, 
so that the tested genuineness of your faith--

more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--

may be found to result in praise and glory and honor 
at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:6-7

I woke this morning to the news that Osama Bin Laden has finally been killed. I'm so thankful to the U.S. Military and our friends around the globe who helped along the way. The news triggered a flood of memories, catching me off-guard.

The attacks on New York and Washington sent me into a deep crisis of faith. I spiraled into a deep depression and intense, paralyzing fear. My world screeched to a halt. My kids essentially lost their mom for several months. My husband somehow loved me through it all.

Of course, that's not me now. God's love, the promises of hope in His Word, and the love and care of faithful friends helped me overcome. Those friends spoke God's truth into me and pulled me out of the pit. I stand, now, on solid ground... my faith in Jesus.

This morning, with the news of Bin Laden's death, I rejoice. Not so much that he is dead... his journey ends tragically, forever burning in hell. I rejoice that God is bigger than him. God used the events of 9/11 to draw me close to Him. I am forever changed.

Memorial Box Monday started at "A Place Called Simplicity." A friend of mine introduced me to it, and I love it! love it! love it!!! Memorial Box Monday provides an opportunity to remember all the good things God has done. Huge, gigantic things and little things that might seem insignificant. God's word is clear: "Cast every care on Me, for I care for you." (1 Peter 5:7).