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He must increase, but I must decrease.
John 3:30
With kids at two ends of growing up -- our son graduates high school next year and our daughter is just finishing kindergarten -- my parenting role in my kids' spiritual development may be most challenging.
With Ellie, it's still pretty easy. She makes a bad decision, and we discipline. Then we discuss her choice, helping her understand that she made the bad choice -- and leading her through figuring out the wise choice. When she makes a wise decision, we praise it and try always to tell her the spiritual why for our pride. She beams when she's praised, glad that she earned our approval. And that's where she is.
She knows the "Sunday school" answers. Jesus died sinless on the cross, went to heaven and returned, all for us. She knows that she should love Jesus with all her heart. She doesn't quite "get it," but she's on her way.
Nathan has known the "Sunday school" answers for a very long time. He accepted Jesus into his heart years ago and was baptized. As a young boy, we disciplined him much the same way we discipline Ellie today. But now... that method doesn't work. When we discipline to correct behavior, we breed resentment (We're not perfect parents and sometimes forget how old he is). Thankfully, we usually realize our error, ask forgiveness for our reaction and move on. He accepts.
Yes, you read that right. When he messes up and we discipline for behavior change, we do apologize (he might even say we need to do that more).
Why?
High schoolers need more than behavior modificiation! They need heart transformation. It does us no good to punish him and treat him like a five year old. More importantly, it does him no good to be treated like a five year old. It's not about behavior anymore, it's about the heart behind the behavior. It's about making Jesus more and helping him become less -- it's not about him. It's about impacting the world for Jesus. That means when we discipline, it's all about Jesus -- how does the decision affect his relationship with Jesus? How does it affect how others see Jesus in him or through him? That also means when we discipline, it's not about what we want, but helping him make decisions based on what Jesus wants. These conversations aren't always easy or quick. But they are essential.
When we discipline our older one, we usually end up having a discussion based in scripture. (We use scripture with Ellie, too, but more just to back up why we're disciplining her. Teaching her why she made the bad choice. Read on... hopefully I'll make sense.)
He gets home after curfew. Time for a discussion on respect and honor. First, we look at scripture (Proverbs is quite appropriate). Then, time for application:
1. If you struggle to respect and honor our boundaries, what happens when your professor sets a deadline for an assignment in college and you blow that off? What happens when you show up late for work?
2. How does disrespecting our boundaries affect your relationship with God?
3. How does disrespecting our boundaries affect your witness to your friends? Are you pointing them to Jesus when you dishonor us?
He doesn't do his chores, inconveniencing the rest of the family. First, we look at scripture like "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as if serving the Lord and not for man." (Colossians 3:23) Then, we apply:
1. When you don't do your chores, how does that affect the family? (Yes, that question works for little kids too.) What does it show your brother and sister, who look up to you, about valuing family?
2. How does this laziness affect your relationship with God?
3. How does this laziness affect your witness to your brother and sister? Or your friends?
Nathan is an amazing young man! He serves in our church every weekend, teaching fifth and sixth graders about Jesus. He often plays keyboard or bass guitar in our worship band. He's a dynamic speaker and a gifted pianist. He's quick to say yes when Ellie asks him to play "Pretty, Pretty Princess." When his schedule is hectic (often... he is a high schooler after all), he often pauses in his schedule to shoot hoops with his younger brother rather than hide in his room and text friends. He's a great young man.
My prayer for the next year is that we "finish" this intense parenting time strong. My prayer is that we are "train[ing him] in the way he should go, [so that] when he is old he will not turn from it." (Proverbs 22:6), but rather that others will know Jesus by what they see in him. He leaves for college soon. My prayer, simply, is that he will go into the world equipped to change it and make a difference for Jesus.
7 comments:
Great post, Karen! A true relationship with Christ calls us to constantly change our behaviors and attitudes to line up with Christ. As you've learned, the same is true with parenting. We must always be about changing along with our kids, gradually shifting our authority over them to God. I think it's one of the hardest aspects of parenting: if we're "not good with change," we'll likely have a tough time parenting teens! Am I making sense?
Barb,
I think you always make sense! :)
Thanks for modeling how to parent teens for me. You know I think of you often when I'm dealing with Nathan... It's like a little birdie sits on my shoulder to remind me, "What's your goal now that he's almost grown?" I don't know that we'd be where we are without your example.
Forever grateful that God brought us together -- He knew I needed guidance :)
Love you always,
Karen
I appreciated you post. I have a hard time knowing what to do for my children even while they are young. My seven-year-old was born with a rebellious streak. I try to stay prayerful about how I'm disciplining too.
I love this post. Great application for my own darling daughter and how to speak truth and love into her life. Thank you Karen for walking the talk. I cannot wait for She Speaks!
Great post... I'm going to print it and put on my fridge! There are definitely days where I need a biblical base for parenting my two almost-teens.
I just reread what I wrote lol ~ EVERYDAY I need a biblical base for parenting my kids! What a great handful of reminders : )
~Kristin
Kristin,
I agree. We'd be lost without the Bible! And our kids -- whoa -- mine would be a complete mess if I raised them without Him!
Keep in touch and let me know how it goes with your kids.
Praying now that God's word will flood your parenting!
God bless!
speaking as a parent who has completed the circle and raised 3 children to adulthood, marriage and now has grands, i can say, "preach it sister!"
it saddens me so often to see parents who don't change their ways of disciplining as their children get older. when children have to suffer the consequences of their behavior in more direct ways, they learn soon enough to be responsible.
it is more helpful to our relationship, it prepares them for real life and tends to affect their heart as well.
we found that during this period, we were asking them a lot more questions that required their processing their own motives, what was going on in their heads when deciding to do/not do certain things. there were less imperatives from us. the majority of our teaching had been done. this was the time for reinforcing, underlining, getting what they knew in their heads into their hearts... and praying like crazy!
God graciously DID work in each of their hearts. they have grown up to become women of God, wives of christian me and mothers who serve Christ in their sphere of influence. But in the end, despite our meager attempts to raise them well, i look back and say, "to God be the glory!" He has been gracious both to them and to us.
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