Wrestling Demons

Friends,

These feelings of hurt and disappointment continue to press on me. I wonder why I battle these demons. As I said the other day, I know I should trust God with my life. Yet, I feel defeated. Worn out. Sad. Overwhelmingly sad at times. Why won't the demons leave me alone? Why doesn't God answer my prayers for comfort and peace?


I wonder.... is it the demons I wrestle? Read this from Genesis 32:22-31:


   That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

   But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

   The man asked him, “What is your name?”

   “Jacob,” he answered.

   Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

   Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

   But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

    So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

    The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. 

I've read this passage many times, not thinking much about it. Jacob wrestled God and survived. Who really cares that he and God wrestled? 

It's so easy to gloss over stories we don't understand, isn't it? How about today we look deeper? 

This event happens just before Jacob meets his brother, Esau, to reconcile after decades apart. Refresher for those who don't remember, Jacob tricked Esau into giving him his birthright as the first-born. Then, he tricked Isaac, their father, by covering himself in fur and the smell of wild animals to receive the birthright. Esau was understandably upset by his greedy younger brother. 

Jacob was a manipulator. He and Esau were estranged because of his manipulation. Plain and simple. How could they truly reconcile if that manipulation remained in Jacob's heart?

Think about it... are you and a family member estranged? Have you lost a good friend after a falling out where you're certain you were right and they weren't? It's so easy to point the finger. I speak from experience here!!! I've spent way too much of my life looking at the splinter in another person's eye instead of the plank in my own. (Matthew 7:3)

When Jacob wrestled and survived, God changed his name from Jacob (which means "manipulator") to Israel ("God-wrestler"). God willingly fought all night with him to strip him of his manipulative, self-serving ways. Jacob's heart was transformed by wrestling with God. Not demons. Don't miss that.... Jacob's sinful heart was cleansed only after he wrestled with God. Demons had nothing to do with it. It was his sinfulness.

As I look at my current struggle, I realize I have blamed others, particularly satan, for the gloom that has settled in my heart. Yet, I'm beginning to understand that my battle isn't with the enemy. The battle inside is with God for my heart.

Oh how I hate admitting that I have flaws! (Duh! There's my pride again... rearing its ugly head.) I hate admitting that I am afraid or that I worry. I want to believe that I trust God fully, with every aspect of my life... I want to be spiritually mature. 

Apparently, the only road to maturity involves pain... and moments -- or weeks -- of wrestling with God.

My prayer today is that when the wrestling ends, God wins. May I be one step closer to the spiritual maturity I so desire. 

With love,