Building Barnacles

Barnacles, for those who never thought about them (most of us?), are crustaceans that build up on pier pilings and ship bottoms in shallow salt water. They fight with other crustaceans to survive and use two strategies to win the battle: "swamping" and fast growth. With swamping, a great number of barnacles settle in the same place at once, basically using a "safety in numbers" strategy to survive. Even if some are knocked away and die, others remain to carry on. Fast growth allows them to build a column to reach higher water closer to the surface and to become large enough to resist being knocked away. When I think of anger -- especially mommy anger -- I'm a lot like a barnacle. That's not a pretty picture, is it?

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I remember the first time I got angry with my first son. He kept shoving things into the CD player. I removed his hand, distracted him with a toy (or so I thought), picked him up and moved him away, but he kept going back. Finally, I swatted his hand and firmly said, "No!" Then I cried. Crocodile tears. I never wanted to be the mom who yelled and spanked (or swatted). If that had been the end of my anger, I wouldn't need to think about barnacles.

When our second son came along, he brought tears with him. From two months to about ten months of age, he cried and cried and cried. I tried everything, but he was not one to be soothed. Some days, I'd get so frustrated that I'd just put him in his crib and let him cry. (I'm not blaming him.)  

Unfortunately, that season allowed barnacles of anger to grow in me, building up as the day progressed. As he cried, the anger in me would build. (Thankfully, I never took it out on him.) By the time my husband got home from work, I'd be at the end of my rope. Little things would set me off and the screaming began -- mine! Like the swamping barnacle, my anger grew and grew until I finally exploded, perhaps just to be heard over all the tears. We got past that tough season and eventually learned that this little guy had sensory issues and a communication disorder -- there was a reason for all that crying!

As the boys got older, more rambunctious and curious, they got noisy. Two boys can generate a lot of noise. When I'd tell them to settle down, they didn't always respond. Our second son, especially, didn't understand verbal cues (that communication disorder, you know) and wouldn't obey. My anger would grow quickly, my voice harsh and loud to overwhelm him. 

The yelling became a habit, my go-to parenting style. "I just come from a family of yellers," I'd say. I didn't work on changing my behavior, I justified it. Over the past ten years (my boys are 17 and 14 as I write this), I have learned that screaming at kids is not Godly parenting. I know that my kids, generally, will respond to other forms of communication, but I haven't worked too hard to improve. Thanks to maturity in general I do better, but I've never really tried to subdue this behavior intentionally. I haven't really sought God's help through prayer, accountability or Bible study. 

Recently, my kids are quick to point out when I'm overly harsh. This past year, especially, they've often said, "Mom, you don't have to yell. I can hear you just fine." God convicting me through my kids? Maybe.

But I've just let the barnacles build.

Then comes Courtney...

Courtney, from Women Living Well, launched The Gentleness Challenge for "mommies everywhere who struggle with their temper." I wish this wasn't me, but it is. 

Link to The Gentleness Challenge. Join us!

I've got a few years left with kids under my roof (actually a lot, my youngest is only seven). It's about time I stop making excuses and start parenting without anger and yelling. It's time to knock these barnacles off and start living right, God's way!

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, 

kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

How about you? More anger than you'd like at home? Please join us! 

In humility,