My Testimony: Beyond the Box

All my life, I’ve known God. When I was little, I saw Him as a protector. As I got older, my image changed. I saw God more like the hard rock carved with the Ten Commandments, a stern father with a long list of do’s and don’ts. I spent a lot of energy trying to be perfect and hold it all together. I exhausted myself making sure I excelled at everything I did. When I became a mom, I poured every ounce of energy into making our lives look perfect. Behind closed doors, I cried. I screamed. I was terrified of failure, and it ate at me. 

Then, I hit rock bottom. The little bit of faith I had was shaken to the core on September 11, 2001 when the twin towers crumbled. This wasn’t supposed to happen in the US. I couldn’t eat or sleep. My young children needed me, but I was glued to the TV, terrified that something worse would happen if I didn’t keep watch. I told my husband over and over, just get me to church on Sunday so I can understand this. Then I’ll be okay.

Sunday came. We went to church and huddled together in the back row. The pastor prayed for the old people of his congregation. As an afterthought, he added “and be with the people in New York.” That was it. His sermon didn’t help either. He preached about the importance of the old people in the church and never mentioned the tragedy in New York. The next couple months were quite similar. We’d go to church. We’d leave. Always wondering. Where was God? I finally gave up looking. 

One Sunday, I begged my husband to stay home. I said I’d give church “just one more try,” if he’d just give me a glorious family day. He lived up to his end of the bargain, so I went to church with him, not expecting much.

God had a surprise for me. From the moment we walked through the door, this church was different. People greeted us genuinely. They helped us get our kids settled in their classes. The pastor shared how important it is for the church to be the hope to the hopeless. God was there, and He had a whole sermon prepared just for me! I wish I could say in that moment my life changed 100%, but it didn’t. That day did mark the beginning of a beautiful journey with Jesus. 

My whole life I had put God in a Karen-sized box, small and manageable, a list of do’s and don’ts. Sitting in that church I dared to look beyond my box for the first time. I discovered a God who forgives, loves, cares, and heals. I discovered the One True God of hope. It’s been almost ten years since I first walked through those doors and God’s changed my heart. I can’t hold Him in anymore. His love is just too big for my box.