He Won't Let Go

For this is God, Our God forever and ever; 

He will be our guide even to death.

Psalm 48:14

September 11, 2001. My life stopped. As I watched tragedy unfold on the tiny 9" television screen, my life froze. For months. I couldn't find God in that horrific mess. I lost all confidence in His sovereignty. I felt abandoned. Why? God, why us? 

I was so mad!!! And afraid! I ran from God. 

I refused to go to church. When my husband took the kids to weekend services, I stayed home. I turned up the stereo, loud, trying to drown Him out. But no matter how high the volume, I couldn't drown out His word. My mind filled unbidden with praise and worship songs. He wouldn't let me go.

I screamed at Him. I threw my Bible at the wall. Yet, He wouldn't let me go. 

I told my husband there can be no God. He wouldn't let this happen to us. Yet, God wouldn't let me go. 

No matter what I did, His precious word just wouldn't leave my head. 

When I finally opened my heart just a crack, He let me know in a big way that He loves me. He is hope for the hopeless. He is comfort to the uncomforted. He is peace in the midst of pain and confusion. He is love.

Tragedy is part of living this life. It is unexplainable. For me, the difference now is that I know -- with all my heart -- that God is bigger than my pain, confusion, and hurt. He loves me. He will not leave me. 

As I write, my heart goes out to all the students at WJHS who are asking God some of the same things I did on 9/11. Why God? Why did they have to die? 

There's no answer for why. God promises to guide us, though, "even unto death." 

For anyone facing tragedy, it's okay to grieve. It's okay to ask God the tough questions, questions that have no answer. It's okay to cry, scream, hurt. The Bible says, "In this world you will have trouble." 

But please remember the second half of the verse, "I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) One day, it won't hurt so bad. You'll know that this pain is temporary and that God will never leave you.

Why this? Why now?

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted 
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

My heart breaks for my son and all his friends in band. They've been hammered with bad news and tragedy over the past couple weeks. Someone they looked up to as a role model was arrested and sits in jail. They wonder why. And they grieve for him as families grieve when a loved one goes astray. Deeply, they hurt.

Yesterday, two band members died in a tragic car accident on a flooded road. Their lives cut short. Again, the kids ask why? Why them? Why now?

There's no way to explain tragedy so it makes sense. It just is. And life goes on. School. Rehearsal. Homework. Life. "Why" presses in as they press on.

Many of the kids in this band know Jesus, but these past eight days leave some questioning. They haven't lived long enough to know God really will work it all out. Their faith is tested.

It's understandable that some look at all that's happening and ask what more they can take. How much pain must they endure. Yet, God offers peace. He does not want them to fear what's next or break under the strain of what's now. He offers peace to those who love Him. I pray that while this is hard (even for me as a grown-up with lots of life experience), the kids will look to God for peace in their confusion and hurt.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27 

I pray for comfort in the storm. Comfort that offers rest, deep comfort to calm anxious hearts filled with fear, pain, and confusion.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green
pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of
righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow
of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort
me. Psalm 23:1-4 

I pray they will trust that God will work it all out in the end, just as He promises. Someday. Just believe.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:26-28 (MSG)

My heart grieves for Chris, Alissa, their families and friends. But there will come a day when there will be no more death, no more pain, no more tears. God will make all things new. I pray that now, in the midst of pain, we each will hold on to the love of Jesus, our comforter, our peace, and our assurance that this will not last forever.

Memorial Box Monday: Gotcha!

I knew long before today what I'd write about. Five years ago yesterday, we held our little girl in our arms for the very first time. 

From the moment God called us to adopt, our entire family was consumed with the effort. To raise money, our sons walked dogs, washed cars and pulled weeds for the neighbors. God blessed Rob with a temporary second job - that came to him. He didn't have to look for it. We ate a LOT of peanut butter sandwiches!

Finally, it came. We flew from Beijing to Guangzhou the morning of March 28, 2005. At the hotel, we were herded into a conference room awaiting room assignments. I pulled out my camera to snap a photo of the guys goofing off and my camera wouldn't work. Can you imagine?

Hours away from meeting our daughter, probably the most anticipated day of my life, the shutter wouldn't open. After some panic, yes - I freaked out a bit, Rob and I finally remembered to pray for it. We didn't pray so much as we begged. "God, please... let us get pictures today. Please."

We got our rooms and headed upstairs to freshen up for the big event. It wasn't all that refreshing. We had to gather all the required documents and force down a snack. It's not easy to eat when your stomach is doing flip-flops. I insisted on a final photo of us as a family of four... if the camera would let us. I situated the guys on the couch, set up the camera, sucked in my breath and pushed the on button. Voila! The shutter slid open and we got the shot.

We hurried downstairs to the bus for the drive across town to our little girl. They herded us into the dreary office building, up a couple flights of stairs, and down a hall. We passed Chinese women holding little bundles of love in their arms. Had I just passed her in the hall? My mind filled with thoughts of the moment. Meeting her. Would I recognize her when they carried her in? Would she cry? Was she big? or little? Cuddly?

Then we waited. And waited. And waited. (We really didn't wait too long. It just felt that way.) The dads arranged to videotape for each other so we could catch every precious moment. And then....

The babies arrived.

Thankfully, Ellie was one of the first couple babies they brought in. I did recognize her immediately. She cried. So did I. So did the guys. She was little. Tiny, in fact, and oh so sweet.

We have photos of it all. Thank you, God, for answering our prayer about the camera... With thankfulness, I place a copy of the first photo ever snapped with Ellie into our Memorial Box. The tears came just seconds later... and flowed for quite a while.

Memorial Box Monday started at "A Place Called Simplicity." A friend of mine introduced me to it, and I love it! love it! love it!!! Memorial Box Monday provides an opportunity to remember all the good things God has done. Huge, gigantic things and little things that might seem insignificant. God's word is clear: "Cast every care on Me, for I care for you." (1 Peter 5:7).