Huh?

This past week, one of my kids developed the incredibly lazy "huh" habit. No matter what I say -- or the hubby for that matter -- the response is "Huh?" Every time. ANNOYING! Wondering if said child might be suffering a build up of ear wax or perhaps an ear infection, I tested the "Huh"-giver with a quietly whispered, "Would you like a donut?" Instantly, the response was "YES!" So... it's not a physical problem. It's a laziness issue.

Not pleasant! Not. At. All.

So, I've decided -- and said child has been put on notice -- that I will not be repeating anything I say ever again. If child chooses to listen, great. If not, when lazybones wants to go out with friends without doing chores I've requested, well.... to borrow from the soup nazi, "No play for you!"

Listening is a learned art. My child, one way or another, will learn to listen!

Come back tomorrow to see what I'm learning through this whole thing! (Toe stepping time, you know)

Have a blessed day, friends!

Listen carefully :)

Emotions!!!

Caught! Sent to his room to think about things. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. SLAM!

Sometimes they get along!

He obeys. Technically.

But his emotions disagree. Loudly!

She is no different. Sent to the corner, she stomps her foot. Balls her hands into rigid fists by her side. She bangs her forehead on the wall. "I'm here," she seems to say, "but my heart won't give in."

Raising kids is hard work. Teaching them to obey, honor, and respect is a 24/7 obligation. Slack, even for a moment, and the opportunistic, selfish child seizes the moment.

Why do I bother? They'll just do it again when I'm not looking. Why not quit?

It's tempting.

Some days.

Then I remember, those emotions are no different than mine. God says, "do this" and I fight him. Fists balled, teeth clenched I stubbornly stand my ground. Or, I give in -- sort of -- doing what God asks, but with the same bad attitude. Caught between my own desires and God's plan, I cry. I whine. I pout. I... I... I...

"For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." (James 3:16-17)

Why do I keep going?

For my kids to understand how to submit to God, they must learn how to submit to earthly parents. For my kids to appreciate that God wants the best for them, they must learn that I want the best for them. I am their first model of Him.

Why fight?

Because I want to give my kids every opportunity to learn how to respect and honor authority -- mine, but moreso, God's. When they learn to obey me and trust that I want the best for them, they will understand that God wants that same thing. Humble, respectful obedience of parents sets the foundation for a lifetime of humble, respectful obedience of God.

As for me? I'm still working on that humble obedience myself. I pray my kids are quicker learners than I am!

Do you still fight with God?

Building Barnacles

Barnacles, for those who never thought about them (most of us?), are crustaceans that build up on pier pilings and ship bottoms in shallow salt water. They fight with other crustaceans to survive and use two strategies to win the battle: "swamping" and fast growth. With swamping, a great number of barnacles settle in the same place at once, basically using a "safety in numbers" strategy to survive. Even if some are knocked away and die, others remain to carry on. Fast growth allows them to build a column to reach higher water closer to the surface and to become large enough to resist being knocked away. When I think of anger -- especially mommy anger -- I'm a lot like a barnacle. That's not a pretty picture, is it?

Photo credit

I remember the first time I got angry with my first son. He kept shoving things into the CD player. I removed his hand, distracted him with a toy (or so I thought), picked him up and moved him away, but he kept going back. Finally, I swatted his hand and firmly said, "No!" Then I cried. Crocodile tears. I never wanted to be the mom who yelled and spanked (or swatted). If that had been the end of my anger, I wouldn't need to think about barnacles.

When our second son came along, he brought tears with him. From two months to about ten months of age, he cried and cried and cried. I tried everything, but he was not one to be soothed. Some days, I'd get so frustrated that I'd just put him in his crib and let him cry. (I'm not blaming him.)  

Unfortunately, that season allowed barnacles of anger to grow in me, building up as the day progressed. As he cried, the anger in me would build. (Thankfully, I never took it out on him.) By the time my husband got home from work, I'd be at the end of my rope. Little things would set me off and the screaming began -- mine! Like the swamping barnacle, my anger grew and grew until I finally exploded, perhaps just to be heard over all the tears. We got past that tough season and eventually learned that this little guy had sensory issues and a communication disorder -- there was a reason for all that crying!

As the boys got older, more rambunctious and curious, they got noisy. Two boys can generate a lot of noise. When I'd tell them to settle down, they didn't always respond. Our second son, especially, didn't understand verbal cues (that communication disorder, you know) and wouldn't obey. My anger would grow quickly, my voice harsh and loud to overwhelm him. 

The yelling became a habit, my go-to parenting style. "I just come from a family of yellers," I'd say. I didn't work on changing my behavior, I justified it. Over the past ten years (my boys are 17 and 14 as I write this), I have learned that screaming at kids is not Godly parenting. I know that my kids, generally, will respond to other forms of communication, but I haven't worked too hard to improve. Thanks to maturity in general I do better, but I've never really tried to subdue this behavior intentionally. I haven't really sought God's help through prayer, accountability or Bible study. 

Recently, my kids are quick to point out when I'm overly harsh. This past year, especially, they've often said, "Mom, you don't have to yell. I can hear you just fine." God convicting me through my kids? Maybe.

But I've just let the barnacles build.

Then comes Courtney...

Courtney, from Women Living Well, launched The Gentleness Challenge for "mommies everywhere who struggle with their temper." I wish this wasn't me, but it is. 

Link to The Gentleness Challenge. Join us!

I've got a few years left with kids under my roof (actually a lot, my youngest is only seven). It's about time I stop making excuses and start parenting without anger and yelling. It's time to knock these barnacles off and start living right, God's way!

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, 

kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

How about you? More anger than you'd like at home? Please join us! 

In humility,

Child Discipline... As easy as 1, 2, 3

If you believe that, send me $100. I promise, I'll turn it into millions! (Note to the feds: This is not a Ponzi scheme. I do not intend to collect any money whatsoever.... so move along. Investigate the guys driving $100,000 cars with tax forms saying they make $40,000/year. Thank you!)

What was I saying? Oh yeah.... Child discipline. It's NOT as easy as 1, 2, 3. If it was, God would have put the instructions in the Bible: The 10 commandments of child discipline. Right next to the original 10 Commandments. That would have been nice.

Instead, God gave us these wonderful verses:

• Psalm 139:14, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
• 1 Corinthians 7:7, "...But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."
• Ephesians 2:10, "For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Each one of us is uniquely created, knitted together by God with gifts and a plan that is as individual as we are. No two people are alike. We know that as adults, but we expect cookie cutter kids. It just doesn't work like that. They're born to be them. Each one different. Each one a special gift from God.

Yet we try -- hard -- to find the discipline method to ensure they turn out okay, to know right from wrong and actually live it. We google the web to discover techniques on how to teach our kids hitting is bad, how to overcome tantrums, or help the picky eater learn to eat even one vegetable. 

We'll never find the answer on the internet. Never.

Child discipline... As easy as 1, 2, 3 is really more about us than them. 

1. Are we willing to ask God to show us our children's hearts? To teach us to address each one uniquely and specifically as He designed them?
2. Will we allow God to reveal our own hearts to us? The fears, the dreams, the expectations we place on our kids. Unfairly!
3. Will we open our hearts to being transformed, no longer conforming to the ways (the methods) of man? Will we allow Him to fill us with His will for our lives as parents?

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Even in discipline, we must open our hearts and minds to God. We must listen to His instruction and seek His guidance for each child and each situation.

There is no "easy as 1, 2, 3." Really, if life was that simple, wouldn't it be boring?

Take a minute today to praise God for your kids' unique gifts. That little personality that drives you batty will one day influence the world. Ask God for wisdom to understand how your feelings influence your parenting expectations. Thank Him for your precious gifts, even in the moments you want to strangle them! 

Lots of love!

Taming of the Tongue

If you read my last post, you know that Britt's kind words and attention refreshed me. It wasn't what she said, so much. After all, there are dozens of peppermint bark recipes online that I can try. It's that she chose to see me -- right where I was, tired and weary. She noticed something about me -- a love of peppermint bark.

Why?

Because Britt chose to speak kindness and love.

The past few days around our house have been tough. Kids testing boundaries, speaking harshly to one another, lying to the parents, and griping and complaining about everything. Exhausting!

Normally, I'm strong -- at first -- choosing not to scream in response. Then they wear me down. I lose control. We all fall apart. I'm not supposed to be that way. James 3:2 says, "If we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and  could...control ourselves in every other way." James cautions us, in verse 4:11, not to "speak evil against each other."

Screaming at the kids is definitely evil. There. I said it. God does not intend me to raise my kids by screaming... no matter how justified I feel. His word says, "Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting and conflict." (Proverbs 17:1)

Thanks to Britt's example, which I consider a gift from God to strengthen me when I needed it, I've held my tongue better, speaking more calmly (notice I said more calmly.... I'm a work in progress.)

You know what?

The kids have noticed! Last night, one of them apologized for pushing and pushing and pushing. This one accepted the corrective discipline with a pleasant attitude. Yes, truly pleasant! Tucking in another one, I said, "You know we don't want it to be this way, right? We love you. We want your life to be filled with fun and friends." The response, "I know. I don't like it, but I know you love me." Whew. I think we'll be okay.

I have not been the perfect mom this week. But, I'm improving. And so are my kids.

I'm grateful that God took the time to offer instruction in parenting. I can't imagine what this tongue would say without Him!

Back to School Prayer: Full Armor of God

Put on the full armor of God 

so you can take your stand against the devil's schemes...

Ephesians 6:11

Another school year is off and running. We sent Nathan off at 6:30 a.m., before the sun arose -- as you can see in the picture! This is it, the last one... SENIOR YEAR! Not only that, we sent him off driving his car (that he paid for himself -- yes I am proud.) I still can't believe that the same smiley faced guy I sent to kindergarten "just yesterday" is almost done.

Here...

was...

Nathan (and his amazing smile)

driving off to his last first day of high school.
There are no pictures of my emotional heart or the lump in my throat.

Don't you love his shirt? He's so funny...

We did not send him off without prayer: For his year, for the first day of school, for wisdom, for his teachers, the bus drivers, the other kids driving to school, for God to shine in him and through him. No way! Each day, we pray with him and for him. Every day of every school year since preschool. The world's tough enough without the full armor of God!

Ellie's first day of FIRST GRADE!
She's wearing the outfit she picked out....
And doesn't leave for school till after the sun wakes up!

Sweet Ellie headed off to first grade, covered with the same prayer. She loves praying for her school, her teachers and her classmates. I love to listen as she asks Jesus to help her remember her "STAR" rules and not make other kids get in trouble. She's getting it... she's a little light in her big class! And she knows that Jesus wants to help her through each day! Training her up... one little step at a time!

Ben and I were busy all day -- enjoying the start of our last homeschooled year together. He officially starts his year Monday. We shopped for and cooked a tremendously awesome dinner to celebrate this monumental day.

Oreo ice cream pie. YUM! 

I battle the feelings inside -- joy for the new year, especially for Ellie. Sadness that this time next year Nathan won't be here. He'll be off to college, embarking on his own adult journey. I pray the lessons we've taught have sunk in well. I pray he is prepared for the future -- to make wise decisions and shine God's light wherever he goes. And I'm thankful -- time with him is not quite over... YET.

I love you, my three sweet kids.

May you always follow God and live for Him!
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The Cancel Button

My kids: I'm not telling you who this story's about!

For some reason, when I use the microwave, I always mess up. I'll put in the wrong time -- setting the coffee to reheat for 1 second instead of a minute. Or I'll put the chicken in to defrost, but end up setting it to cook instead. Thankfully, the microwave (and lots of other useful gadgets) has a "cancel" button. These machines give me a second chance to get it right!

I wish I had one for my mouth! You know, when hubby comes home from work late and droopy... Instead of "Hey, hurry up. Dinner's on the table," I might actually say "Oh honey, what happened today? You look beat."  Or when the kids shake the house with various crashes and shouts, instead of screaming up the stairs, "Kids. Stop that this instant," I might actually ask, "Hey guys. Whatcha doin' up there?" (My kids actually play together a lot -- why do I always assume the worst?)

Maybe you're not like me... but I know someone out there can relate. Oh please... tell me I'm not alone!!!

Right now, my mouth and I are having a particularly difficult time with one of my kids. This child has always had a hard time understanding "no." I got used to responding to every request loudly, firmly and absolutely. It seemed to be the only thing that sank in. Recently, this kid decided to mature! (Really -- some of you might wonder if it ever happens. Apparently, it does.)

For the most part, this one now thinks before blurting things out, but I still respond loudly, firmly and absolutely. My child, hurt and offended, says, "Mom, you don't have to yell at me. Just say no or later or something nice."

Geesh! When did it get that easy? And why can't I keep up? Seriously, I want a cancel button for my mouth. I want to treat my child with respect and kindness... but I'm not used to the "new and improved" version yet.

Since I don't have a cancel button, I have to settle for "I'm sorry. I'm listening. I'm learning." Then I listen, focus and respond kindly... even when I have to say no. Hopefully I'll catch on soon, but until then, "I'm sorry" will have to do.

Teens: A Stressed Out Generation

A friend posted this article on Facebook this morning. I can't say it any better.

Parents, finish strong! They're not done being kids just because they think our ideas are "stupid." They need us to guide them through high school, set boundaries and enforce them, and be a greater influence than the world is. Of course, discipline and instruction look different with teens than with younger kids, but they are still necessary!

Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death. 

Proverbs 19:18

Stepping off my soapbox now.

Thanks for listening.

Parenting: My spiritual role

He must increase, but I must decrease.

John 3:30

With kids at two ends of growing up -- our son graduates high school next year and our daughter is just finishing kindergarten -- my parenting role in my kids' spiritual development may be most challenging. 

With Ellie, it's still pretty easy. She makes a bad decision, and we discipline. Then we discuss her choice, helping her understand that she made the bad choice -- and leading her through figuring out the wise choice. When she makes a wise decision, we praise it and try always to tell her the spiritual why for our pride. She beams when she's praised, glad that she earned our approval. And that's where she is.

She knows the "Sunday school" answers. Jesus died sinless on the cross, went to heaven and returned, all for us. She knows that she should love Jesus with all her heart. She doesn't quite "get it," but she's on her way.

Nathan has known the "Sunday school" answers for a very long time. He accepted Jesus into his heart years ago and was baptized. As a young boy, we disciplined him much the same way we discipline Ellie today. But now... that method doesn't work. When we discipline to correct behavior, we breed resentment (We're not perfect parents and sometimes forget how old he is). Thankfully, we usually realize our error, ask forgiveness for our reaction and move on. He accepts.

Yes, you read that right. When he messes up and we discipline for behavior change, we do apologize (he might even say we need to do that more). 

Why?

High schoolers need more than behavior modificiation! They need heart transformation. It does us no good to punish him and treat him like a five year old. More importantly, it does him no good to be treated like a five year old. It's not about behavior anymore, it's about the heart behind the behavior. It's about making Jesus more and helping him become less -- it's not about him. It's about impacting the world for Jesus. That means when we discipline, it's all about Jesus -- how does the decision affect his relationship with Jesus? How does it affect how others see Jesus in him or through him? That also means when we discipline, it's not about what we want, but helping him make decisions based on what Jesus wants. These conversations aren't always easy or quick. But they are essential.

When we discipline our older one, we usually end up having a discussion based in scripture. (We use scripture with Ellie, too, but more just to back up why we're disciplining her. Teaching her why she made the bad choice. Read on... hopefully I'll make sense.)

He gets home after curfew. Time for a discussion on respect and honor. First, we look at scripture (Proverbs is quite appropriate). Then, time for application:

1. If you struggle to respect and honor our boundaries, what happens when your professor sets a deadline for an assignment in college and you blow that off? What happens when you show up late for work?

2. How does disrespecting our boundaries affect your relationship with God? 

3. How does disrespecting our boundaries affect your witness to your friends? Are you pointing them to Jesus when you dishonor us?

He doesn't do his chores, inconveniencing the rest of the family. First, we look at scripture like "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as if serving the Lord and not for man." (Colossians 3:23) Then, we apply:

1. When you don't do your chores, how does that affect the family? (Yes, that question works for little kids too.) What does it show your brother and sister, who look up to you, about valuing family?

2. How does this laziness affect your relationship with God?

3. How does this laziness affect your witness to your brother and sister? Or your friends? 

Nathan is an amazing young man! He serves in our church every weekend, teaching fifth and sixth graders about Jesus. He often plays keyboard or bass guitar in our worship band. He's a dynamic speaker and a gifted pianist. He's quick to say yes when Ellie asks him to play "Pretty, Pretty Princess." When his schedule is hectic (often... he is a high schooler after all), he often pauses in his schedule to shoot hoops with his younger brother rather than hide in his room and text friends. He's a great young man.

My prayer for the next year is that we "finish" this intense parenting time strong. My prayer is that we are "train[ing him] in the way he should go, [so that] when he is old he will not turn from it." (Proverbs 22:6), but rather that others will know Jesus by what they see in him. He leaves for college soon. My prayer, simply, is that he will go into the world equipped to change it and make a difference for Jesus.

Another Chance

CRASH!!! The booming noise shakes the house. The picture on the wall gets knocked askew. Again. I've had it with these kids!

I pound up the stairs to the bonus room. I'll show them! I burst through the door, and face red with rage, I scream, "KIDS!!!! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"

Silence.

They freeze in place. My oldest speaks calmly, definitely not what I deserve. "But Mom. We were playing football with Ellie. She thinks it's hilarious when she tackles us and we fall." Ellie is six. She weighs about 38 pounds, tiny for her age. The boys are 16 and 13. Can you see this from Ellie's point of view? Little one topples the mighty giants. Her joy. Their delight.

"Well, umm, look. Just don't fall so hard okay." Sheepishly, mumbling a sincere but embarrassed apology, I slink away.

I wish I could tell you that happened a long time ago, but it didn't. I wish I could say this was before I knew Jesus. But that's not true either. I've been a Christian for decades. I've been in church leadership for years. I read the Bible. I pray. I am "plugged in." And yet, I fail. Miserably.

Until about six years ago I made excuses for my anger. "This is just a part of who I am." I blamed my parents. "My dad has a short fuse, so I must have inherited it." Sometimes I blamed hormones. I could even throw scripture in there. After all, the Bible says, "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother." (Pro. 29:15).

Then, Ephesians 4:26 grabbed hold of my heart. "In your anger do not sin." God was done with my excuses. He wanted me to know that with Him there is a better way. Really, God? You want me to change who I have been my entire life? That's impossible!

God assured me that with Him, nothing is impossible. His word says in 2 Cor. 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." I realized I must simply choose to trust His way. The angry bouts lessened  -- though my kids would watch, waiting for the bomb to explode. I learned to listen to their explanations rather than jump to conclusions. I learned to instruct in kindness instead of scream. I learned how to hold them accountable for their behavior. I understood, finally, their battle is not mine.

Just like my kids, I stumble.

I respond in selfish anger. Paul said, "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." (Phil. 3:12) Paul understood that we will never be perfect. Jesus is our perfection. Jesus fills our heart. The Holy Spirit is here to guide us to make Godly decisions -- the choices Jesus would make.

In my humanness, I hear that voice whisper "in your anger do not sin" and ignore it. I pound. I scream. I rage.

The Holy Spirit keeps whispering. I press in to listen. I ask forgiveness. God gives me another chance.

How about you? What excuses do you make? Will you ask God to help you overcome your bad habits?

Dear God,
You are love. You are mercy. Forgive me for my anger. Help me listen more carefully to the wisdom you whisper into my heart. Thank you for always giving me another chance.
In your Son's precious name I pray,
Amen

Decluttering!

On vacation, we had eight outfits each, a few pairs of shoes, the basic bathroom supplies and that's about it. You know what? For 16 days we survived without wii, gameboy, leapster and all the other toys and gadgets at home. For 16 days, we enjoyed life without piles of mail, newspapers, and all the other stuff at home.

Only home a week and I'm going bonkers because of stuff! Life is too short to fight and fret about stuff. I've got better things to do than spend hours organizing and rearranging stuff. Can you relate? Do papers tumble out of your filing cabinet? Across the desk? Or maybe, like mine, somehow migrate daily to the kitchen counter? Ahem! That's for food!

It's not what God intended. The book of Hebrews says, "Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Heb. 12:1-2 NIV)

My friends, there is a better way. Interested? Then read on.

Declutter your inbox! After two weeks away, my inbox really piled up. I had close to 1,000 emails to read. I'll be honest, I read less than 100 and deleted the rest. Just about all of it was junk. You know when you shop online, the retailers start sending sales emails. At first they seem like an awesome thing to have, but really they steal time and fill our heads with wants. After all, it's hard for us girls to pass up a good sale. Retailers know that! There were some newsletters there, too, mostly ministry related. But, I had "too much of a good thing." A recent study reports that more than 50 emails a day triggers stress. I was getting more than 100! Decluttering is easy. Click on that unsubscribe button! If you really miss something, you can always reconnect. My guess is you'll be happy it's gone.

Declutter the papers! Last Friday, I purged our filing cabinets. Big time! File by file, I cleaned out everything. There were bill statements from 10 years ago clogging those drawers. My husband's student loan papers were still there -- and his loans were paid off in 2004! The list goes on, but I don't want to clog up this post. If you don't know where to begin, here's what I did and it worked!

• Pull out the first file and begin! Yep, it's that simple. If you don't need it or can find the information online, throw it away. (I completely filled a kitchen garbage can)
• Sort everything you need to keep based on the following categories (you might find a better system, but I found that this worked well):
• One file for each member of the family. My kids' school and activity information and awards go in their files. My husband's file is mostly work related. My file mostly includes thank you cards from various things and my favorite paper from law school.
• One file for this year's bill statements.
• One file for credit card receipts.
• One file for vehicle maintenance records.
• One file for this year's tax information (pay stubs, mortgage statements, business expenses, charitable contributions, etc).
• One file for insurance information.
• One file for investment information.
• One file for checking and savings information.
• REMEMBER! Everything else is unnecessary. I did put each of the past seven years' income tax information in business envelopes to store in the attic -- if you don't have someplace to store that information, I guess it should go in files too. 

• Declutter the kids. I am not joking! Since coming home, my kids have bickered over stuff more times than I can count. Sixteen days without fighting over toys was bliss. Their behavior now drives me crazy! (Maybe this should be its own post, but it's part of my decluttering plan, so I'm including it here)

• Memorize this verse and apply vigorously to your kids' lives, "If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away..." (Matt. 18:8)... NO! Don't cut off their hands or feet, but do "cut off" whatever it is they fight over.
• Make them repeat the verse.
• Explain that "the item" is leading them to fight and not live in peace. Explain that "the item" is not worth fighting over. Then throw it away! Forever.
• Apply the verse to WHATEVER they are fighting over (yes, even the wii). Our kids' hearts are far more important than any things we own!

This morning, two of my children fought over a brochure (ridiculous! And they've been fighting over legos, silly bands, pool toys and more this whole week). I finally applied this verse today, explaining to my kids that their relationship is more valuable than anything we have. Then I shredded the brochure. After throwing it away, I took a moment to reiterate that fighting over things is not God's plan for their lives. I told them I will throw away anything they fight over, even the wii and the TV if that's what it takes to learn to respect one another.

Trust me, I pray they figure it out before I have to throw out my TV, but my kids are more precious than anything. If that's what it takes, I will do it. My husband agrees, in case you wonder.

We still have lots of decluttering to do... but I know that simplifying paperwork, the kitchen and the kids' lives is a great first step.

How about you? What weighs you down? Are you willing to "cut it off" so that you can run the race God has planned for you?

May God bless you as you honor him with all of your life!

Lots of love,
Karen

"For the Lord Gives Wisdom"

Navigating my way through my first round of parenting teens, I am not sure I'm doing a good job. The past couple months have been especially tough. Every day has looked about the same. 

Me, "Why did you...." OR "What were you thinking?" Yes, I really said that and worse!

My son, "I don't know." OR "What, me? It wasn't me." OR "Yeah-h-h-h-h." The unenthusiastic response trailing behind as he stomped up the stairs to his room. Normally, he's a relaxed, chatty, hang-out-with-the-family kind of guy. He's not this angry kid.

I don't want this kind of relationship with him. I want to encourage, guide, and support him as he becomes a man. There's little time left to "help him" prepare for the world. In two short years he will be an adult, managing his own schedule, finances, coursework, and daily decisions. I won't walk every step alongside him.

Desperate for change, I called a Christian friend to ask for direction. My friend suggested that if my son acts up over insignificant things, then those things aren't probably the problem. My friend encouraged me to look deeper and find the source of our tension.

The rest of the day, as I washed laundry, made dinner, and changed sheets, I spilled my heart to God. I dumped my fears, frustrations, and even my anger at His feet. He's God, after all. He can take it. Mid-afternoon, I prepared a cup of tea to enjoy as I read scripture. My favorite mug has Proverbs 2:6, "For the Lord gives wisdom. From His mouth come knowledge and understanding." written across it. I smiled for the first time all day.

God, You give wisdom, knowledge and understanding. Please help me understand my son and give me wisdom to parent him. I prayed. Then, I sat. Quiet. Listening.

When my son got home from school, rather than grill him about homework, chores, and piano practice, I actually asked him how his day went. And listened. Really listened. My mind didn't jump ahead to the familiar grilling he'd been getting.

I brought up our major source of contention and could see him tense for the attack. But, I didn't attack. I apologized. For jumping to conclusions, for being unfair, for not respecting his feelings. Cool moment. His face softened. He relaxed. HE apologized for his part in it. Really! Just like that.

"The Lord gives wisdom." To parents navigating the teen years for the first time. Even to teens. God's just waiting for us to ask His help and direction to parent His way. For me, it meant changing my attitude, my tone, and my approach. It meant stepping into humility and away from pride and authority.

My son told another friend yesterday, "My mom's really cool." I'm not trying to be cool, but I want to be the right mom for this almost-man at this time. With teens, parenting is a little less about the first time obedience of childhood and more about the heart. Parenting means helping him learn to listen to the Holy Spirit's guiding - so he doesn't need to listen to me.

Parenting a teen means letting go. Letting God lead him by letting God lead me.

Persistence

One of our children has caused a bit of grief at home - for years. The battle? This child's stubborn, strong will. When dinner didn't appeal to our strong-willed wonder (SW for short), SW could chew a bite for 15 minutes refusing to swallow. SW knows that "stealing" is wrong, but didn't seem to care, taking things "just because I want it." SW would stubbornly refuse to do chores, "because I want to play."

We don't indulge this type of behavior. We discipline it. For years. Our child has spent more hours in the corner than any kid I know. This child has apologized - often coached to say the right words, then to say them again respectfully - more times than I can count. There's more, but you get the idea.

We prayed for wisdom - how do we discipline the heart, God? We prayed for strength - I just want to quit, God. This is so hard. We prayed for love - God, help us love this one the way they need love and not focus just on the misdeed after misdeed after misdeed. We prayed for perseverance - God help us remember that you will honor our commitment some day. We prayed with our child, too, providing the words so we could all pray together.

Last week was particularly tough. It seemed that instead of getting better, SW decided to pull out all the stops and do everything they could think of to create chaos at home. We got to the point where we looked this child in the eye and said, "No matter how many times you do this, we will discipline you. Because, child, we (pause) love (pause) you. We won't quit until you do."

Yesterday, everything changed. Suddenly! Our child greeted us in the morning with a different face. There was peace in SW's eyes - we could see it. The tone of this child's voice was different. The way SW walked, talked, sat, played, did chores. You name it. This child was transformed. All the things that have caused us fits for years - I mean FOR YEARS - suddenly evaporated.

I'm so surprised, but I don't know why. How often has God reminded me - you know, that nudge from the Holy Spirit that we wish we could ignore - to make the right choice, even though I consistently ignored it? I have a bad day and "take it out on the kids," yelling over little things, just because of my selfish mood. I complain about other drivers because I'm in a rush. Just like my child, there's more, but you get the idea.

Yet God is always patient with me. He forgives AND forgets, every time I ask. He always offers me another chance. He lets me go through it again and again until I finally understand. He never quits.

Dear God, Please give me wisdom. Discipline my heart when I need it. When I want to quit, give me strength to continue. When I don't want to love others, fill my heart with Your love and love them through me. Forgive me of my pride, my selfishness, and my own stubborn will. Thank You for not giving up on me. Thank you for your love that will not quit. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

** Image comes from http://www.markwoolley.com/PrintPiece.cfm?ArtistsID=442&NewID=7099 **

Strength in Weakness

I consider strength that comes from God, and I know what I should do. I wrote about it yesterday.

But, knowing it and doing it are two entirely different things.

I tell my kids to clean their bedrooms. They know what I mean... but do they do it? Not always. Instead, they shove everything into the closet, slam the door shut, prop a chair under the knob to keep the doors from exploding open, and call it done.

I'm no different. I know that as a mom my job is to raise my children to be loving, kind, forgiving, patient, and... well, the list goes on and on. I know that I should model the characteristics I want them to develop... but do I do it? Not always. Sometimes, I get mad.

Instead of training them in the way they should go, I scream about where they went wrong. Instead of patience, I demand action. Oh - I hope you get the idea and I'm not the only one who blows it now and then.

So, how can I be strong in God when I am so busy blowing it all the time?

I think that admitting my weakness as a parent to God, emptying myself of myself, I make room for God to fill the space. Until I admit that I don't have all the answers, that I can't do it by myself, I won't make room for God to work.

I don't know if my weakness in parenting is a spiritual battle or just my own stubborn will, but I do know I am not strong enough to parent God's way on my own. I need to get out of the way, and let God be God. I need to accept that His grace will cover me when I mess up, as long as I keep asking Him for help.

How comforting. In my weakness, He is strongest.

Dear God, Thank you for helping me be the best mom I can be. Help me remember, always, to trust You. Help me remember Ellie's prayer today, "Thank you for giving me my family." Let my life point my kids to You. And forgive me when I blow it. Amen

Filled with Fruit... and Vegetables

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

I tend to consider the fruit of the spirit as a laundry list of traits I should have. How am I doing on love? Pretty good, I'm feeling loving toward the people in "my world" today. Have I been kind today? Sure. I let the lady with only two items go ahead of me in the grocery store line. Yea, ME!

In life we try to make good choices. We encourage our kids to share, use nice words, forgive, to respect and obey. As adults, we are put off by rudeness. Have you ever grumbled to your spouse or a close friend about the crazy driver you encountered on the highway? Have you ever complained about your unreasonable boss? (Of course, we never grumble about our families!)

Looking at this passage, though, I wonder if Paul wrote a list of traits to strive toward. Reading the entire section, Galatians 5:16-26, it seems he is asking us NOT to live by the flesh, but instead to live in the strength of the Holy Spirit.

The acts of the sinful nature (v. 19-21) are separate and distinct. Each one results from a choice we make in our own strength. These acts, sexual immorality, idolatry, hatred, envy, fits of rage, etc., can happen independently. We can give in to a fit of rage without envy. I know, I've raged at my kids without an ounce of envy on more than one occasion.

Verses 22 and 23, though, flow from love in the power of the Holy Spirit. One grows as the others do. The "fruit" of the spirit is not a menu from which we pick and choose. Rather, they are the distinct elements of love that come from our personal relationship with Jesus. As we grow in love for Him, the outward extension of that love IS the fruit of the spirit... all the traits, not just one or two.

This morning, my husband and I discovered that one of our children has been using the drawer in the kitchen table as a "doggie bag." If we had a dog, this child would have fed vegetables to him under the table whenever we weren't looking. We aren't sure how long this has been going on, but we found a few dried up, shriveled green beans in the mix. We discovered it only because, today, this child decided to pour milk into the drawer.

Clearly, this was a moment that could send me into a fit of rage! Yet, it didn't. I set the child down out of the way. We cleaned out the drawer - ICK! Gently, we explained that food does not get hidden in the drawer (without sarcasm). We doled out the discipline, calmly. We continued on our day.

What's different? Why did I stay calm in a situation that typically would make me, human me, so frustrated? Simply put, as my relationship with Jesus grows, so does the outward expression of that relationship. He fills me with His love. I am changing, not because of me, but because of his great love for me. The more I get to know God, the more His Spirit fills me. The more filled I am, the more that Spirit overflows into my relationships.

Verse 16 explains it: "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature." Live in relationship with God. Read His Word. Pray. Ask Him to smooth the rough edges. Trust. Love. His Spirit - love - grows inside you, and you have no choice. The fruit just oozes out.

The milk had no choice. It filled the drawer and oozed out the cracks. That milk revealed the rottenness hiding inside. Likewise, because I am walking close to God, the Spirit of patience, peace, love, kindness, gentleness, and self-control had no choice. This "fruit of the spirit" oozed out because of what is hiding inside - my love for my Savior and my desire to grow more like Him each and every day.

Each of us must choose. Will we walk in our own strength - oozing milk and rottenness? Or, will we fill our hearts with the love of God - oozing His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control?

Dear God, You are amazing! You knew we needed the Holy Spirit. Thank you for giving us Your Holy Spirit to guide us. Forgive me for all those times I ignore that nudging to live in love. Thank you for filling me with the fruit of your love. May your love overflow from my heart to touch others. Amen

Parenting tip #2

Haggai continues to show me how to be a better parent. Amazing that so much is packed into such a small book!

Today's tip: For children to become who they are meant to be requires persistent encouragement!

Sometimes I am quick to tear my kids down and not so quick to encourage. Correcting the same behavior again and again, growing frustrated when there's a schedule to keep and their behavior isn't moving us in that direction - you know, the stuff of being a kid who has no clue that the adult world has pressures, schedules, commitments - can drive me crazy! I hear myself yelling and know, deep down, that I don't want to be that monster.

Really, I want to show my kids the love of Christ. "May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word." (2 Thess. 2:16-17). I want to "bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." (Eph. 6:4). Yelling, screaming, growing frustrated... not the stuff of the Lord!

Haggai could have grown frustrated with the Jewish people when they didn't rebuild the temple right away. But he didn't. He faithfully spoke the Word of God into Zerubbabel. He encouraged them to finish what they started, the rebuilding of the temple. He encouraged again and again:

Haggai 1:1, "In the second year..., on the first day of the sixth month..."

Haggai 2:1, "In the second year..., on the twenty-first day of the seventh month..."

Haggai 2:10, "In the second year...., on the twenty-fourth day of the ninth month..."

God shows us, through Haggai, how to encourage our kids. Consistently and repeatedly, we should encourage them to make the right choices. We should build them up and not tear them down.

Dear God, Thank you for the message you sent through the prophet Haggai. Thank you for the lessons this little book teaches us as parents. Please forgive me for my impatience with my kids. Help me understand that it takes time and lots of practice for my kids to become who they are meant to be. Please help me be slow to anger and quick to encourage. I praise you for your love and wisdom. In your son's name, Amen

God's Peace

'The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the Lord Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the Lord Almighty. Haggai 2:9

In my quiet time yesterday, I read the book of Haggai, a whopping two pages long. It's not the book I'd probably venture to on my own. I'm typically drawn to Paul's letters in the New Testament. But I have learned that if God nudges me to Haggai or Zechariah or even Numbers, He has a message for me. Definitely true this time around!

Short history lesson (really, this IS interesting stuff): In 586 B.C., the armies of Babylon destroyed Jerusalem, including the Jewish temple. The Jewish people fled from Jerusalem and were in exile. Fifty years later, in 536 B.C., King Cyrus declared that the Jewish people could return to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple to God. The Jewish people, at first passionate to rebuild their temple, lost focus and became apathetic about it. Opposition to the project, probably disagreements about how to handle some aspects of the job, financial sacrifice and time all wore the people down. (Sound familiar?) The project literally came to a standstill. Finally, God spoke through the prophet, Haggai, to Zerubbabel (nice name), who was the "foreman" of the rebuilding project (See Haggai 1:2). The Jewish people regrouped to finish the temple.

Parents, we face the same challenges raising our kids. Is there a mom out there who hasn't been "nagged to death" by a little one wanting just one more story, a piece of candy, to watch T.V.? Is there a parent to teens who hasn't battled curfew or bedtime or allowance limits? Our kids are in regular opposition to our plans. (Right now, one of mine is staring out the window while the homework stares up at him from the table... I really wish this one would just finish, so we can get on with our day!)

We are the "foremen" of our family project. It's up to parents to push through and see to it that the job of raising great kids gets done properly. We have no time to rest! In Proverbs 1:8, God says, "Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not foresake your mother's teaching." I've often referred my kids to that verse when they resist my instruction, but the verse only applies to our kids when we choose to instruct and teach. The job of parenting won't get done if we're not doing it, just like the temple in Jerusalem would not be rebuilt if the people weren't willing to work.

Kids whine. Kids rebel. Kids get distracted. Parents, we can't get drawn into their battles. We can't throw up our hands and cry, "uncle." When kids lose focus - daily - we must pull them back in and help them refocus on the right priorities. How? Ask God. Where is the rebellion coming from? Is it apathy? Is it boundary testing? Ask God to show you what you really battle, and He will guide you in resolving it.

One great thing about the book of Haggai is it doesn't end just with him telling the people to finish what they started. That's good advice, but most of us know we should finish what we start. The entire second half of Haggai (chapter 2) is a beautiful work of encouragement. "'...Be strong, all you people of the land," declares the Lord, 'and work. For I am with you,' declares the Lord Almighty. '...and my Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.'" (Haggai 2:4-5). Then in verse 9, God encourages the people again: "The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house... And in this place, I will grant peace."

When we want to give up, God is right there, pushing us to finish building His house. Parents, God wants us to raise our kids to know Him, to love Him, and to follow Him. God has plans for our kids that are far greater than the plans He has for us (Haggai 2:9). Don't quit. Finish what you started, trust God's plan for you and your family. Don't let the distractions of work, bills, schedules, menu planning, or housecleaning keep you from that one thing no one else can do but you. Raising your kids, growing them in love for Jesus. And know, that when all is said and done, He will grant peace. Just imagine, all your kids grown, doing God's work in business, medicine, or wherever, and you, knowing they are strong, trusting God with each day. Perfect peace.

Parenting tip #1

I have tried to write this twice already today... Maybe someone out there really needs to hear it, and that's why I can't write. Maybe it's because I need to learn something today. I don't know. Instead of any buildup, I'm going straight to the point. (And I'll elaborate another day... maybe).

Psalm 127:3 (NLT) Children are a gift from the Lord, they are a gift from him.

No matter what trials we face with our kids (or because of our kids), they are ours for a reason. God trusts us to raise them! He has given them as a gift. SOOOO, bad day? bad week? Trust God to lead you through it. Cherish the gift! Raise them up right.

And God, please help me remember that my kids are a gift... even when there's no focus, no cooperation, no fun! These days help us know you better, too. Amen!

Forgiveness

You know how when you erase a mistake on a piece of paper, a little smudge remains? And if you make another mistake and erase it, the paper starts to wear thin? And, on a bad day, you make more mistakes, erase and erase until the paper wears through? That's kind of how I am sometimes when it comes to forgiveness. Not the way I should be - I should forgive and forget. But sometimes...

Unfortunately, when my kids battle their character challenges, I don't always forgive and forget. We all have character challenges - that one thing we just can't seem to get past. We have to keep asking God for forgiveness for the same thing over and over - not trusting, not being obedient, getting distracted by the world, anger, laziness, whatever. With each of my kids, when they do that one thing they always do, my paper has worn very thin. I keep forgiving, trying to erase the mistake from my memory. But I don't forget.

This is not what God wants from me. He wants me to shine his love on my kids. He wants me to raise them to know Him. He wants me to model forgiveness with grace, and to use their mistakes to help them know Him more. Ephesians 6:4 says, "parents, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Do not provoke your children to anger...

If I jump to conclusions, rubbed raw, and discipline in anger or if I expect wrongdoing instead of right choices, what am I really teaching my kids? Am I bringing them up to know that they should love above all else? Am I teaching them humility, honor, respect? Am I modeling God's forgiveness and grace? Of course not. I am doing the exact opposite of what I want to do.

Paul warns us in Gal. 5:17, "For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want." What do I want? To show God's love to my kids. To help them grow in love, patience, peace, forgiveness, gentleness and self-control. I give in, though, to my own emotions - my temper flares and in my impatience, I snap. I yell. I punish. I don't teach my kids about God and His ways.

My oldest son and I recently talked about this, and he said, graciously, that most of the time I get it right. He's generous! Some of the time I really do. And I love those days. My kids respond. We walk away from the moment a little wiser, a little closer to each other and to God, and a little bit more like the way we should be. I know this. Sometimes, though, I give in to my sinful nature and do things "my way."

I pray that as I continue on this parenting road, God will help me remember my purpose. I pray He will continue to help me be the parent He intends me to be. To model His love for my kids -- through every decision, word, and action that my kids would learn more about God's love for them. And I thank Him, for forgiving AND forgetting -- not keeping a record of wrongs like I do.

To Discipline - But How?

One of our kids, who shall remain nameless, really has us stumped. We instruct our kids to be respectful, honest, and generally nice - to one another and to us. We expect occasional lapses in respect, honesty and kindness - after all, childhood is for learning and growing.

The nameless one, though, resists being respectful, honest or kind. This one has been corrected, redirected, punished, prayed with, prayed for, taught scripture... literally everything we can think of to train up this child in the right ways. This child has no qualms about making faces at siblings - taunting for absolutely no reason (we have watched it happen enough to know it's not revenge for a wrong committed against this one!). This child lies without any hesitation and refuses to admit wrongs... even when we find concrete evidence of the wrongdoing!

It's not my goal to gain confessions. I've learned that when wrong, address the wrong. Generally it works. I don't ask if they did it. I rarely ask why. I usually point out the wrong and ask what they should have done differently. Usually it works. Usually we move into the forgiveness mode. A heart grown more wise, more thoughtful, more considerate of others. A spirit more like Christ than it had been.

This one resists such instruction. This one remains steadfast and stubborn. This one is such a challenge! I wonder what to do with this one. I wonder what God is trying to teach me through my frustrations with this one. I do know:

1. I will continue to discipline. I won't give in. Why? Because this one, like the others, needs to grow up to know the ways of the Lord. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he grows old he will not depart from it." No matter how tough the situation, my role never changes. God wants me to train this one to live in His way, according to His word. Nothing more. Certainly, nothing less.

2. I will continue to seek God's wisdom. Ephesians 6:1 says, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord..." God calls me to raise my kids according to His ways! I can't raise them "in the Lord" if I don't spend time with Him - learning scripture and praying, asking God to show me His ways.

3. I will praise God in the midst of the challenge. Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again, I say rejoice!" God's Word doesn't rejoice when life is going good and pitch a fit when you're frustrated. This is tough for me. I like to throw tantrums (yes, friends and family, I am aware of my shortcomings) when things don't go according to my plan. Perhaps God wants me to rejoice more, trust more, believe more... and complain less.

Yes, this one needs to learn so much. This one has an unrepentant heart. This one is stubborn, unyielding, and disturbingly independent. Hmmm, God could probably say the same thing about me...